My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Randomize
