Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
