update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You've changed since you got that strap on
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
