u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
