the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
