Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
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