so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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