i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
