I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
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