im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
