I can tuck mytits in my pants
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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