Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i came on her dog
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
