Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
