Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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