Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
