So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
It was confusing and full of hummus
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
