if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
