I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
