Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
