I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
How naked do you want me to be?
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