I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
