i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
