i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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