her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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