There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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