Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So much Jack, so little girl.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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