My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
