my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
