i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
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