Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
