I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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