I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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