By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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