you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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