i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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