You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
