Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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