Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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