we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
and you fell through a lawn chair
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
