New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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