I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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