oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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