whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Randomize
