She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
