woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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