Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
there's paper in my vomit.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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