What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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