I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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