Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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