I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
