Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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