i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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